“No One’s Gonna Care”: Responding to ‘Confident and Insecure’ & Internal Monologue

I think this will hopefully explain how important and fun this blog is for me, but also how challenging it is for me to keep going. Maybe in a way you might not think. I don’t know, I can’t read minds (yet) but continue reading if you want.

I’m struggling now to even begin writing. But I need to do it. I want to it is just becoming difficult to become motivated to follow through with an idea on the spot. You would tell if you follow my blog. I go from absence as in tumble-weeds-and-wolf-howling-in-the-distance-in-a-desert sort of absence to very full-on activity as if my creativity has been sharply sparked and I can’t stop. In my head, I can’t stop. I keep ‘writing’ and drafting my blog posts in my head. But not one has been published yet. The thing is one week in April I had a lot of ideas that rolled one after the other and I immediately went to my computer to write the plan down, write the title, add tags and categories and find a feature image. This is so when I come back to it, my future-self doesn’t have an excuse not to work on it because I have already perfectly done the groundwork. I have a list of drafts that may or may not be up to 30 posts that I plan on finishing, starting and publishing. There are going to become a reality. But I am very aware of how much my inner monologue is stopping me.

What even made me write about this was a video I watched. I already used Filmmaker and Comedian, Jack Howard, as an example in a previous post about my creative process but there is one thing in particular that stuck out to me in a video he recently posted, Confident and Insecure. I will get to this later on.

I’ve said it before it isn’t necessarily writer’s block because I can clearly come up with ideas and it is one of my strengths that I can just think of something on the spot. I just go through peaks of being in the right headspace to not only follow through with those ideas but to then have it to my standard that of course, I will never reach because it is my own personal standard. I will get to this in a post (I am working on in the future but currently in the draft list I have previously mentioned, all planned and everything), but Jaques Lacan (talked about at the end of my Sigmund Freud post in a Wisecrack video I discussed) addresses the idea of want, how the minute we want something, the moment we get what we want, we no longer want it, because that want is fulfilled so you go searching for another thing to want, something that is very likely to be better than what you wanted previously. If you have read any of my posts you know that very often that they would be no shorter than 500 words and ones that I have spent the most time on perfecting and getting everything polished for is over 100 words such as Art Fart: Waves edition, Graphic Novels, Sigmund Freud or Robert Frost, or even my casual musing posts. They always take at least three full hours of writing excluding finding the right images, citing them and other thingy-ma-bobs I want to include to make this a professional post to my unattainable standard. I always want my posts to get better and better but in this process, I set the bar higher and higher for myself that I find difficult to reach because the want to do more will always be there. Always.

Yesterday*, I was in the wrong head-space. I let my inner monologue that was quite…ranty judge what my next post should be. It was about how it is sometimes difficult to actively decide not to drink but be surround by the British (Uni) culture of drinking. Because I was going full force and just wanted to post something because I wanted to write, I published it. I did some revisions of the post to edit some things to polish it, but then a few hours later I realised: this is not my blog.

From the get-go, I knew what I wanted my blog to be in April and take it from there. Yet somehow, a single thought slipped out and created something I thought was important to say. it still kinda is but it was 100% not what I wanted to write. Of course, I wrote it and had full intentions of keeping it. And I know that I don’t have to be rigid to what I write but at the same time, this post was in no way creative in the sense I wanted it to be and I didn’t care about it. I didn’t feel like I spent some time in a creative mindset and produced something that I was proud of. And of course that was based on my standards and what I want my posts to be, because I established goals and went off target in a voice I was not able to recognise as my own voice. It was a voice I knew for a long time, but it was the internal monologue voice that wasn’t creative and very often can take me down a spiral of thought I can’t get out of that doesn’t help my creative process as a writer.

Back to the video, the whole point of this video and the whole point of this blog post. Right… Left. Directions. One Direction. Off-tangent. Moving on. Jack Howard posted a video which I won’t summarise because then you are forced to watch it mua haha (seriously, it will be better hearing it from him than me).

Confident and Insecure

I was watching, understanding that sometimes the personas displayed online aren’t necessarily the person in reality and how his brain has conflicted with creative and negative thoughts that people can dismiss or even just umbrella-term as being a ‘struggling artist’, which I personally think is outdated considering how difficult making yourself present in a crowded world of money can be. I was happy to watch this and let my usual thoughts and inner monologue just discuss this internally and never see the day of light, or be immortalised (because if you didn’t know anything is temporary on the internet, now you do but I don’t know why you had to find this out in my post) in word or speech. BUT, here are a few things he said that spoke to be perfectly and I wanted to actually write down about.

“If I’m writing something, I have to believe in what it is enough for it to sustain possibly years before anyone wants to make it into a thing”

Spring-Summer 2015, a close friend of mine passed away and because I didn’t allow myself to grieve because I was preparing for a 15-hour art exam, I spent and an entire weekend dedicated to writing a play-script. A very short 19 paged one, in an Absurdist style, that was indirectly influenced by my grief. I had that viewed by my creative writing tutor and she gave me the feedback for it. It was all valid and important for the revision and editing process. But since that day I hadn’t touched it because at the time I thought because she didn’t understand how significant writing this piece was, it shut my creative brain down into protective mode, it shouldn’t have done, but it did. I felt pricked an plucked and pranged about the narrative and writing style that was done with purpose. But, rightly so, because I said I saw this as potentially becoming a short film in a very distant future and thought it had potential to be more than a written piece, she saw how difficult it would be for my characters to go through a 2005-2015 timeline with two young adults and how to depict the aging process they would have been through and how fashions, styles and ways of speaking would have been different. This was another reason I shelved it because I didn’t and still don’t know how to solve this problem. I really believe in this script and I really believe I have something worth saving and going back to, it was just at the time I wasn’t ready to make changes to it when I couldn’t find solutions to those problems. But the belief is still there that I will very likely hang onto for years before anyone notices or I even want to do something with it. That is one creative dilemma.

If you haven’t watched the video already, 1) why? 2) go to 2:45-3.10 minutes in the video. It is the very moment he stops talking, a lightbulb went off and I knew exactly what he was probably thinking. Because that has happened to me too many times where I am just writing, happy as Larry (whoever he is) and then I suddenly stop. The page I am writing on suddenly feels blank. I stop writing, my train of thought is lost, I can’t get it back and I can’t get back into the headspace of writing. I have deleted things before, all because of this very feeling of putting the breaks on what I have been writing. I am tempted to delete everything I have written and make the entire page blank, the same way my train of thought just pulled at the station abruptly. Because something, that something being myself, has told me to stop. All this because:

“my brain is going ‘you should stop this video because it’s rubbish and no one’s gonna care’

That was exactly what happened to me when I was writing a post responding to a political image. I thought it was rubbish and no one was going to care. Even though I know from my stats (I see you from *insert country here* don’t think I don’t know) that very few people read or even go to my blog. That’s fine. I don’t write for readers. I do write so what I want to say is out there for people to potentially find in whatever way, and I want what I have to say to have a reason. I don’t want to just say something because I can, anyone can do that. I want to take the time to articulate my thoughts in a coherent manner as you would for an essay but in a way that was more accessible and mattered most to me for when I read back. Again, I set a bar I can never truly reach but I set it and I try. So more than…five times I have been writing, then I stopped because I thought it was rubbish and not something I would be proud of publishing. More importantly, I have had nagging feelings in my head all through my blog posts, especially the post I deleted yesterday* (one that I am definitely not happy with), these small creatures of thought that drag through my head where no one is going to care.

No one cares about my thoughts on why I don’t drink.
No one cares about my readings of certain art.
No one cares about my experience with certain literary and theory figures.
No one cares that I had spent time writing and structuring this post.
No one cares how many things I link or reference in a post.
No one cares about my creative writing.
No one cares I structured and edited my posts in a coherent and accessible way. Why bother with the effort?
No one cares I posted a new blog post. Why bother writing this post if no one if going to care to read it?
No one cares about what I wrote.
No one cares about what I have to say.

But you know what, I care. It is very clear that I do care even thought I set myself these challenges and goals. I care. Because I want to write. I am partially a part of a monstrous yet fun world of the creative industry, and I want to be here. Even if sometimes there is the lagging thought that makes me stop and think ‘what is the point of writing this if no one cares and no one is going to read it’, that is sometimes the driving force I need to finish a post, like this one, and keep going because I care about it and I will read. Not in a narcissistic way but as a way of tracking what were my thoughts at a certain time and how my creative process/writing ability has developed. If I think something is rubbish then I will try and summon the will to revise it, not bin it.

No one might care about what I do, but I care about what I do. That is enough for me to keep going.


Thank you for reading.

*Note: If you are reading this where ‘yesterday’ is no longer relevant, please refer to ’twas Saturday 28th May 2016 in the break of evening’

Update: As of 30/05/16, although this was written in response to Jack Howard’s video, I have also turned this post into a response to The Daily Post’s daily prompt, Blank 

‘Creative People Are 1)… 2)…’ no No NO!

So, *inhale* Okay.

First things first (I’m a realist, guess the reference, if you get it, sorry), I love creativity, and creative people. I don’t disagree with that. It’s just this post on 9Gag that irritated me:


Rant Introduction: There are a number of reasons why I don’t necessarily agree with list. I would like to think I am a creative person, otherwise I wouldn’t be writing the content I am, or this blog. In fact, EVERYONE who has a blog or a website is creative so pat on the pack to you, readers, you’re creative. Back to my point, I think I’m a creative person so let’s go through the list in terms of ME:

1) Easily Bored

True, but that is for another reason I won’t go into right now. I do get easily bored but being so doesn’t mean you’re mind goes actively into a creative drive. Also, if I was easily bored with the creative work I did in art, that was essentially threatening the quality of my work. Having to start again because I was easily bored especially would have been deadly to my art exam. When it comes to my projects, I engage them as long as possible until there is no where to take it forward or there is no longer any point because no creative drive can be put into it. Some people might bet ‘easily bored’ interns of creative activity and want to engage in something, great. But this can be a problem from time to time. This is too vague in terms of what can bore someone and what people do in order to control, deal or combat their boredom.

2) Risk Takers

I’m not a risk taker in the extreme. I don’t actively want to jump off a cliff because that is a risk-taking activity especially. Again, vague. I am though a ‘risk-taker’ where I took the chance to write articles even though I was at the time pushing a boundary and thought ‘does anyone really care?’ I did it and I’m glad I did. But this wasn’t for me ‘taking a risk.’ Also, being a risk taker is fine, but I think occupations and careers involved in creativity or hold hold their own risks in their own shape and form. Everyone should push boundaries and that can take them forwardly creatively or not, but risk-taking is not a direct quality I find in anyone I know who are extremely creative people apart from being in/wanting a profession that initially lacks financial stability.

3) Colours Outside The Lines

I would like to think I do, but what does this really mean for individuals. In terms of a colouring book, I always wanted to keep in the lines, just because I did doesn’t mean it predicted my creativity thermostat would be set to low. I don’t know how much of that was metaphorical or not, but hopefully the drift has been caught. If it means pushing boundaries set, anyone can do that if they set their mind to it, but it doesn’t label anyone per-ce as a creative person. Almost every contemporary artist and anti-artist ‘colour outside the lines’ but in today’s modern age where an un-made bed is art (not dissing, promise), what does it take to be the one artist in the world that is truly creative because they have ‘coloured outside the lines?’ There are too many people like them to just it is only creative people who can do that.

4) Think With Their Heart

I think this goes without saying but EVERYONE IN THE WORLD SHOULD THINK WITH THEIR HEARTS, WE’RE HUMAN, NOT STUFFED ANIMALS! Saying this only applies to ‘creative people’ is just…No.

5) Makes Lots of Mistakes

See point 4. Not only that, but if someone accidentally got pregnant (opinions aside for this point), or repeatedly added salt to their tea and not sugar (don’t ask me how unless it was a cruel prank), or wrote ‘withe’ by mistake because they automatically go to ‘the’ when writing ‘th’ in ‘with,’ or keeps making the same mathematical mistake, does not automatically make someone a ‘creative person.’ Mistakes can lead to inspiration and/or creative drive, but sometime mistakes are just mistakes and not necessarily worth being called ‘creative’ because they just aren’t. Everyone makes mistakes, this isn’t an exclusive phenomenon.

6) Hate the Rules

Hate is such a strong word. Some rules are actually there in place for a reason. Someone hating a rule such as anything do to with crime and/or punishment (again, opinions aside about this, just using an example), does not mean ‘creative person.’ What is wrong with liking or in better word not hating the rules. And what ‘rules’ are they suggesting, the rues of previous creators that have been broken *cough cough i.e. impressionist, expressionists, pre-Raphaelites etc etc cough*? The rules as in the law (touchy ground so won’t go into too much detail about)? Unspoken social rules? What rules? Again, too vague to be taken literally and exclusively for ‘creative people.’

7) Work Independently

A lot of people sometimes work independently, but do they have to in order to be creative? Really. I made for me the most impressive and imaginative piece of work I have ever done at the time and that was a joint effort with a great friend of mine (I want to say best friend). So, because I didn’t work independently, had someone to bounce of ideas, share thoughts and develop an epic installation like this (my own photograph but I do have better ones),


means in terms of the criteria we weren’t to be called ‘creative people?’ A stretch of an argument and yes, an irrational point, but extremes are sometimes used in order to make an argument despite its flaws. Just like now. Whoops… Although sometimes being a lone wolf with work can help with a creative process, but being in a team is just as effective, depend on who you are. Note: Matisse in his later life had assistants because he was ill, but still created ground-braking art in ‘drawing with scissors. His thoughts were independent in the process but the work wouldn’t be the same without people helping. Not being a lone wolf all the time is a great thing in nice doses. So is just being lone in your thoughts. If I worked independently in my writing such as the articles I had written for my college, I would have had just words on a page not making sense, we need other people to either confirm our thoughts or challenge them and make ourselves better. And this is again, not exclusive to creative people. Do we have to work independently to be creative?

8) Change Their Mind A Lot

Sometimes for me I keep changing my mind, sometimes I am firm with a decision and stick to the decision it’s the best decision. Changing your mind a lot isn’t exclusive to ‘creative people.’ Sometimes changing a mind leads to better ideas and projects and sometimes if you don’t, it doesn’t make you not a ‘creative person.’ Nuff said.

9) Have A Reputation For Being Eccentric

Really? Do they have to in order to be a ‘creative person?’ How can you judge eccentricity now? Mentally? Emotionally? Physically? What? You can be eccentric but have the creativity of a walnut (the first thing that came into my mind, walnuts can be if they want to, I’m not judging). You can be extremely creative but not look/appear/be (if possible) eccentric at all. Also, everyone is special and unique. Who the hell is normal now? Who? Therefore who can we tell is ‘eccentric’ when normality is not considered to be accepted in our everyday lives as an actual norm? I’m getting off-tangent into a paradox now but the argument is that being eccentric does not make you creative, nor is not being eccentric not make you creative. Finally,

10) Dream BIG

I think this is the only one that I can truly agree with really. The only criteria is any for anyone to be a creative person is to dream big, that means all the other things along with it are just extension and/or things that occur during the creative process or the journey to reaching that big dream. Doesn’t matter is the big dream is small to others, different goals with different ‘sizes’ matter to different people. Ambition leads to creativity, you aren’t born with it, you develop and grow with creativity if you allow yourself to think and/or dream big. This is the real argument of this post. You don’t need a criteria in order to be a creative person, you don’t need to re-assure yourself with a list that you are or are not creative or what level, be you and see how the journey goes. And note, ‘big’ is in capitals just to point out, not just big, but BIG, interpret it however you please, that’s creative (eh? eh? no? ok.)

Rant Conclusion (if any): Lists like these can apply to anyone and that is good and bad. It can be positive to reassure you are a creative person, but could lead to disheartening someone into thinking whether they are or should be creative. You don’t HAVE to be, but being creative is a beautiful mindset. You don’t need to tick all the boxes and everything mention has an extent with my opinion attached to it, so it carries a ‘not necessarily’ that should be considered when reading anything like this. I know it took a long ramble to get to this paragraph which, in Heinz sight, is all that matters in this post. But I think explaining it point by point can show why I wasn’t too happy to read this post, because it is things like that which can put people in boxes and labels which aren’t necessary.

Please give your arguments and opinions, I am okay with being told I’m wrong and get the discussion moving about creativity and being a ‘creative person.’ You won’t be able to see me cry behind a laptop screen (I kid). Did I say ‘creative’ enough in this post?