Above The Clouds: Casual Musing | Our Thoughts, Imagination and Condolences

There are….*sigh* going to be times when you are just knocked by what you see and what you hear. You experience moments to celebrate but you also experience moments where your ability to think independently and creatively is lost. Where you’re head is no longer in the cloud and has sunk into your entire being; sometimes for reason you can help and sometime for reasons you can’t help. In fact, you might be helpless.

This might be from your thoughts and room to create and imagine is clogged by an oddly empty sort of space. A space that is filled with a numb feeling because you are unsure what to do and how to feel when grief, anger and even feeling social-justicey are clouding the normal thoughts that float in your head. I don’t know about you but this feeling is tiring.

There are times we need to remove ourselves from the shells of our lives and be aware of the lives that have been affected throughout…this entire year. Indirect and direct associations and connections can make us very human and vulnerable but can also reel out an ugly side of us that is only exposed when your thoughts are clogged.

Sometimes for a few days, like myself, your have sparks of creativity, but a build up of things internal and external to yourself are going to shift the way you think about your environment and about people, probably in general. Sometimes, there are actual blurred lines in your thoughts and your imagination: what will happen next? Sometimes those lines aren’t so blurred and something is right or wrong. Sometimes it’s is too hard to tell when your thoughts are clouded by the clogged thoughts of others. We must all at some point have our heads filled with just space.

Right now, there isn’t much of a conclusion. I want there to be one but this is going to be more casual than my other musing I’ve written so far. I’ll leave you with some thoughts from here:

Quotefancy-4978-3840x2160Quotefancy-3229-3840x2160Quotefancy-5006-3840x2160

quotefancy.com

Thank you for reading.

Some links you might be interested in:

Based on 04/06/16: http://www.bbc.co.uk/timelines/zy3hycw#zsgstyc

Based on 11/06/16: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-36506082

Based on 13/06/16: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-36512308

Feature Image URL: http://img01.thedrum.com/s3fs-public/news/tmp/980/thoughtleadership.jpg

Update: New Page

Hello Readers,

In the menu there is a new page, the Catalogue. I know that scrolling through my articles might be a wee bit tricky considering you don’t get a preview but the entire post of all the posts on the home page. This was why I created an archive of things I have written  in order of most recent being first. It is also useful if you don’t know what you are looking for and are just window browsing my posts.

Enjoy!

“No One’s Gonna Care”: Responding to ‘Confident and Insecure’ & Internal Monologue

I think this will hopefully explain how important and fun this blog is for me, but also how challenging it is for me to keep going. Maybe in a way you might not think. I don’t know, I can’t read minds (yet) but continue reading if you want.

I’m struggling now to even begin writing. But I need to do it. I want to it is just becoming difficult to become motivated to follow through with an idea on the spot. You would tell if you follow my blog. I go from absence as in tumble-weeds-and-wolf-howling-in-the-distance-in-a-desert sort of absence to very full-on activity as if my creativity has been sharply sparked and I can’t stop. In my head, I can’t stop. I keep ‘writing’ and drafting my blog posts in my head. But not one has been published yet. The thing is one week in April I had a lot of ideas that rolled one after the other and I immediately went to my computer to write the plan down, write the title, add tags and categories and find a feature image. This is so when I come back to it, my future-self doesn’t have an excuse not to work on it because I have already perfectly done the groundwork. I have a list of drafts that may or may not be up to 30 posts that I plan on finishing, starting and publishing. There are going to become a reality. But I am very aware of how much my inner monologue is stopping me.

What even made me write about this was a video I watched. I already used Filmmaker and Comedian, Jack Howard, as an example in a previous post about my creative process but there is one thing in particular that stuck out to me in a video he recently posted, Confident and Insecure. I will get to this later on.

I’ve said it before it isn’t necessarily writer’s block because I can clearly come up with ideas and it is one of my strengths that I can just think of something on the spot. I just go through peaks of being in the right headspace to not only follow through with those ideas but to then have it to my standard that of course, I will never reach because it is my own personal standard. I will get to this in a post (I am working on in the future but currently in the draft list I have previously mentioned, all planned and everything), but Jaques Lacan (talked about at the end of my Sigmund Freud post in a Wisecrack video I discussed) addresses the idea of want, how the minute we want something, the moment we get what we want, we no longer want it, because that want is fulfilled so you go searching for another thing to want, something that is very likely to be better than what you wanted previously. If you have read any of my posts you know that very often that they would be no shorter than 500 words and ones that I have spent the most time on perfecting and getting everything polished for is over 100 words such as Art Fart: Waves edition, Graphic Novels, Sigmund Freud or Robert Frost, or even my casual musing posts. They always take at least three full hours of writing excluding finding the right images, citing them and other thingy-ma-bobs I want to include to make this a professional post to my unattainable standard. I always want my posts to get better and better but in this process, I set the bar higher and higher for myself that I find difficult to reach because the want to do more will always be there. Always.

Yesterday*, I was in the wrong head-space. I let my inner monologue that was quite…ranty judge what my next post should be. It was about how it is sometimes difficult to actively decide not to drink but be surround by the British (Uni) culture of drinking. Because I was going full force and just wanted to post something because I wanted to write, I published it. I did some revisions of the post to edit some things to polish it, but then a few hours later I realised: this is not my blog.

From the get-go, I knew what I wanted my blog to be in April and take it from there. Yet somehow, a single thought slipped out and created something I thought was important to say. it still kinda is but it was 100% not what I wanted to write. Of course, I wrote it and had full intentions of keeping it. And I know that I don’t have to be rigid to what I write but at the same time, this post was in no way creative in the sense I wanted it to be and I didn’t care about it. I didn’t feel like I spent some time in a creative mindset and produced something that I was proud of. And of course that was based on my standards and what I want my posts to be, because I established goals and went off target in a voice I was not able to recognise as my own voice. It was a voice I knew for a long time, but it was the internal monologue voice that wasn’t creative and very often can take me down a spiral of thought I can’t get out of that doesn’t help my creative process as a writer.

Back to the video, the whole point of this video and the whole point of this blog post. Right… Left. Directions. One Direction. Off-tangent. Moving on. Jack Howard posted a video which I won’t summarise because then you are forced to watch it mua haha (seriously, it will be better hearing it from him than me).

Confident and Insecure

I was watching, understanding that sometimes the personas displayed online aren’t necessarily the person in reality and how his brain has conflicted with creative and negative thoughts that people can dismiss or even just umbrella-term as being a ‘struggling artist’, which I personally think is outdated considering how difficult making yourself present in a crowded world of money can be. I was happy to watch this and let my usual thoughts and inner monologue just discuss this internally and never see the day of light, or be immortalised (because if you didn’t know anything is temporary on the internet, now you do but I don’t know why you had to find this out in my post) in word or speech. BUT, here are a few things he said that spoke to be perfectly and I wanted to actually write down about.

“If I’m writing something, I have to believe in what it is enough for it to sustain possibly years before anyone wants to make it into a thing”

Spring-Summer 2015, a close friend of mine passed away and because I didn’t allow myself to grieve because I was preparing for a 15-hour art exam, I spent and an entire weekend dedicated to writing a play-script. A very short 19 paged one, in an Absurdist style, that was indirectly influenced by my grief. I had that viewed by my creative writing tutor and she gave me the feedback for it. It was all valid and important for the revision and editing process. But since that day I hadn’t touched it because at the time I thought because she didn’t understand how significant writing this piece was, it shut my creative brain down into protective mode, it shouldn’t have done, but it did. I felt pricked an plucked and pranged about the narrative and writing style that was done with purpose. But, rightly so, because I said I saw this as potentially becoming a short film in a very distant future and thought it had potential to be more than a written piece, she saw how difficult it would be for my characters to go through a 2005-2015 timeline with two young adults and how to depict the aging process they would have been through and how fashions, styles and ways of speaking would have been different. This was another reason I shelved it because I didn’t and still don’t know how to solve this problem. I really believe in this script and I really believe I have something worth saving and going back to, it was just at the time I wasn’t ready to make changes to it when I couldn’t find solutions to those problems. But the belief is still there that I will very likely hang onto for years before anyone notices or I even want to do something with it. That is one creative dilemma.

If you haven’t watched the video already, 1) why? 2) go to 2:45-3.10 minutes in the video. It is the very moment he stops talking, a lightbulb went off and I knew exactly what he was probably thinking. Because that has happened to me too many times where I am just writing, happy as Larry (whoever he is) and then I suddenly stop. The page I am writing on suddenly feels blank. I stop writing, my train of thought is lost, I can’t get it back and I can’t get back into the headspace of writing. I have deleted things before, all because of this very feeling of putting the breaks on what I have been writing. I am tempted to delete everything I have written and make the entire page blank, the same way my train of thought just pulled at the station abruptly. Because something, that something being myself, has told me to stop. All this because:

“my brain is going ‘you should stop this video because it’s rubbish and no one’s gonna care’

That was exactly what happened to me when I was writing a post responding to a political image. I thought it was rubbish and no one was going to care. Even though I know from my stats (I see you from *insert country here* don’t think I don’t know) that very few people read or even go to my blog. That’s fine. I don’t write for readers. I do write so what I want to say is out there for people to potentially find in whatever way, and I want what I have to say to have a reason. I don’t want to just say something because I can, anyone can do that. I want to take the time to articulate my thoughts in a coherent manner as you would for an essay but in a way that was more accessible and mattered most to me for when I read back. Again, I set a bar I can never truly reach but I set it and I try. So more than…five times I have been writing, then I stopped because I thought it was rubbish and not something I would be proud of publishing. More importantly, I have had nagging feelings in my head all through my blog posts, especially the post I deleted yesterday* (one that I am definitely not happy with), these small creatures of thought that drag through my head where no one is going to care.

No one cares about my thoughts on why I don’t drink.
No one cares about my readings of certain art.
No one cares about my experience with certain literary and theory figures.
No one cares that I had spent time writing and structuring this post.
No one cares how many things I link or reference in a post.
No one cares about my creative writing.
No one cares I structured and edited my posts in a coherent and accessible way. Why bother with the effort?
No one cares I posted a new blog post. Why bother writing this post if no one if going to care to read it?
No one cares about what I wrote.
No one cares about what I have to say.

But you know what, I care. It is very clear that I do care even thought I set myself these challenges and goals. I care. Because I want to write. I am partially a part of a monstrous yet fun world of the creative industry, and I want to be here. Even if sometimes there is the lagging thought that makes me stop and think ‘what is the point of writing this if no one cares and no one is going to read it’, that is sometimes the driving force I need to finish a post, like this one, and keep going because I care about it and I will read. Not in a narcissistic way but as a way of tracking what were my thoughts at a certain time and how my creative process/writing ability has developed. If I think something is rubbish then I will try and summon the will to revise it, not bin it.

No one might care about what I do, but I care about what I do. That is enough for me to keep going.

 

Thank you for reading.

*Note: If you are reading this where ‘yesterday’ is no longer relevant, please refer to ’twas Saturday 28th May 2016 in the break of evening’

Update: As of 30/05/16, although this was written in response to Jack Howard’s video, I have also turned this post into a response to The Daily Post’s daily prompt, Blank 

Cheerio

I had everything packed in my box. All I needed now was the stapler hoping the new girl didn’t do a June Carver and snatch it off me. But she just stroked my shoulder slightly and said good luck. It had been 12 days since I gave in my notice. All the people I passed just looked up from their desk and either nodded or smiled. Nod. Smile. Smile. Smile. Nod. Smile. I never really knew them. We talked on the occasion. At least I said goodbye first. One morning I came in and a desk was just empty. She was nice, even thought we didn’t see or talk to each other that often. We were in different division so we hardly came to work at the same time. It kinda hurt but it didn’t matter.

Then I saw him walk towards me. i hadn’t seen him in a day or two. It’s nice to catch up with him. Sometimes it was short and we were off doing separate things either in the same room or back to our desks, or we would spend ages talking by the kettle, or the water-dispenser-wotsit-thing. You know, the one that looks like a vertical fish tank and makes the blub blub sound. I guess him and I were just friends. We spent more time with each other than we did with other colleagues. Sometimes we walked to our desks together still talking. I would often think about what we just talked about. Does he do the same? Doesn’t matter now I guess. He leaned his thigh on my desk and put his hands in his pockets.
‘Best of luck.’
‘And you too.’ I didn’t know in what, but I meant it.

I knew that when I was telling funny stories to friends of mine about me, him and our conversations, they would look to one other. I didn’t know what this meant but it happened more than once. It’s not really something I think about, but I noticed I stopped mentioning his name or on purposely omitted it to see if they did the same thing. Very weird of me. I guess I didn’t want to give off the wrong impression, whatever that was. He was just nice. We just talked when we saw each other. I don’t know why we spoke to one another more than the others. We just…did. One time I saw him through the door window whilst he was leaving the office, I smiled then I kept walking to fill up the kettle, he opened the door,
‘Hello’
‘Hi’
‘Goodbye’
‘Bye’.
That was it. Didn’t think it was necessary for him to just do that when he was leaving. He just did. By the large window I saw him walk away from the building then went back to making my drink. Shame it’s considered a ‘no no’ to drink in the afternoon, I could have used a splash of rum. Never mind.

We had a small chat about how our day was. It was good. It was a good day. It just was. I wanted to keep talking to him just for the heck of it but I had nothing else to say. We were silent for a bit. I tried filling it by pretending to check my draws to see if I got everything. I did. This was it. My time here was done and all packed in a single cardboard. Quite a temporary substance really, isn’t it? You never know when it is going to break or how long it took to wear away but someday, it just will be useless and need replacing. Cardboard boxes don’t really last too anyway so you can’t expect them to. Oh well. It was time for me to leave.

We shook hands. It was longer than usual handshakes. It wasn’t uncomfortable, or awkward. It was just…nice. I picked my box off my desk then headed to the lift. He pressed the button for me.
‘Cheers’, I gave a single nod. He just smiled.

 

You know, we never finished answering the 36 questions. We got to 14 one day then we just said goodbye.

Playing Outdoors

You know the phrase ‘DUFF?’
I think I have found
The demographic that will understand
Or not. There is Google right there,
I don’t need to tell you
How to find meaning in something
Because I am lost
With my version of it.

Have you seen these best friends?
The ones playing with their toys,
Laughing like joyful monkeys
About what has so amused them.
They know everything.
Not the everything you would know,
Nor the everything I would know,
But the everything of each other.

Nodding, winking, hugging, smiling,
Everything that seems to be
In sync to their friendship.
So why is it,
That whilst they play with their toys inside,
Their other friend decides to play with the mud,
And sees comfort in that,
But still tries to look into the house,
With no key to get inside?

She doesn’t like the same juice,
The same intoxicating poison
Of their lost and found years in adulthood.
She stays out of the same sand boxes,
The same ones the jolt an earthquake
Of strobe lighting and sound
The same ones where these friends bump and grind
Against friends-to-be
And not-to-ever-be.

The music crinkles and cracks
A single person’s ability to cope,
with the shatteringly disruptive noise.
What’s wrong with Bublé?
yet she wants to join
Asking herself:
Am I having fun yet?

So the one playing outside
Is silent. And remains silent.
She doesn’t play with the same joys
Or do the same things.
But that’s beside the point.
It’s friendship, a deep and youthful bond.
And if that is so, then why
Are the ones inside not joining
The one playing outdoors?

My Friendship Tree Has A Lot Of Bea Leaves: Casual Musing | Friendship Matters

Can we just take a moment to appreciate how good of a pun that was! *bows* athankyouverymuch.

Even though I don’t consider myself an adult even though in the eyes of the UK law I am, I think that sometimes we forget the importance of the collection of friends we gather through our lives and how many of those friends stick to you like a fly to Low’s Pitcher Plant (ok, maybe not the best simile).

As Feminist Writer, Virginia Woolf says:

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The word ‘illusions’ can oh so easily be exchanged for the word ‘friends’ in this case.

I remember my mum telling me about how in later life the friends you have are likely to stay with you the longest and the friends/best friends you have in your early years such as primary and secondary school are more fleeting but still a part of your life for those small moments. I am very fortunate to be going to University with two people I have been best friends with for 11 and 7 years. Considering that I known one person for more than half of my entire existence, I take this as a blessing I was not expecting. I am also blessed where I have such a good relationship with my parents that they can be considered friends. My family are my friends and my friends are my family and that is a charming thing I am grateful for and appreciate that some people might not have.

I have said to my friends them once how I was ready when we thought we were going to different Universities that I was ready and prepared for losing the connection we have maintained for so long because I knew the nature of friendships in young life, but I wasn’t prepared to keep them. I was aware of some sort of underlying pressure to have that friendship evolve rather than remain stagnant in our primary, secondary and college years. We all go through personal changes no matter now marginal, but that can be enough to change the dynamic of a friendship and for a friendship to take those changes and then develop rather than buckle under the difference is remarkable.

Just remember how stupidly and wonderfully unlikely the friends you have made have come to be. Because of the unlikeliness of the events, actions and existence of our parents are the same for their parents, a string of thoughts, feelings and situations have put you and your friends together when a single change in your family history of events could result in an entirely different set of friends.
Your friends are also an incubator of your personality. Think about it: I have said before in another casual musing how to different people we unconsciously act in a different way and talk about different things and because of that, what you talk about and the version of yourself with your friends is determined by your friends, different set of friends mean your friendship version is different. I had/have different groups of friends, sometimes I am the listener and more quiet, sometimes I am more loud and the speaker of the group. All of those friendship are significant in their own way to create a version of yourself you are most happy with and therefore unknowingly are the decider of who are your friends for life.

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Virginia Woolf has also made comments in her work A Room of One’s Own that female friendships are almost nonexistent in conjunction to male friendships. This is only where every few times can female friendships existence without the presence of men.

Recommended: Friend Like Me

(I think this is a really good short film and I think you might like it to but consider the following…)

How many times have you heard about or seen a film or read a book dedicated to a ‘bromance’ where the male friendship is the focus of the film and don’ always talk about women? How many times have you seen a film or read a book that did the same for female friendships? How many times have you seen/heard/know about a female friendship where a conversation about guys doesn’t appear?

I’m not going to say that is nonexistent but the amount of times I have seen a film, like the film attached to my generation Mean Girls, very often there is a desire to have a connection with a male and even with Cady’s friendship between a male and a female, there is still a mention of her ‘crush’ involving their goals of High School domination.

As I’ve said, I’m not saying a female friendship existing without the presence of men isn’t impossible, but a film or book that is purely about a friendship between two females and nothing else is absent to my personal knowledge. But that might be based on what I have seen, read and heard. Friendships are slightly undermined and so are female friendships sometimes where the absence of conversation dominated by topics involving men can show how meaningful a friendship can be as a friendship stand-alone to romantic or sexual relationships.

I say this knowing this sounds hetero-normative and not the same for all cases of friendship, there can be a plethora of people in a friendship, whatever gender or sexuality. I want to state this clearly because I am using Woolf’s ideas of female friendship as an example to elaborate my point THAT FRIENDSHIP IS JUST AS IMPORTANT AS ROMANTIC/SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS AND SHOULDN’T BE UNDERMINED IN THE ADULT WORLD.

Although this is an announcement video created by Fran Meneses, an Illustrator that I have mentioned before in a blog post about Graphic Novels and Illustrators, she makes some very interesting points I tried making a blog post about (clearly otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this) in terms of friendship and how adults (should) approach it. I am also looking forward to her project and can’t wait to read it at some point because this really does interest me. Enjoy,

New book AND travel journal coming up, podcast and PO BOX ~ Frannerd

Also, whilst you are buzzing on the friendship and want to either give your friend a cuddle or a fist bump or that weird-hold-hands-and-slap-and-or-pat-each-other-on-the-back-thing, what is friendship? This varies to different people and the main reason that I think it is important because is a voluntary way of keeping who you know and care about in check without other motives i.e. romantic or sexual (which can be difficult to establish or defer in a friends with benefits relationship as that has its own complications, I mean, there are two films released in the same year about it; Friends with Benefits and No Strings Attached).

We decided who are friends are and we also decide and develop not only the closeness or those friendship through events and actions that happen through one another’s lives, but also an unspoken set of boundaries that each person is comfortable with. Whatever type of friendship and however close (acquiescence, friend, close friend, best friend, biffles, other things etc etc that blur the boundary between being friends and being a couple or set of people essentially married to each other), that friendship has enough meaning and trust for those boundaries to not be explicitly expressed unless desired.

Those friends are a part of you in a way that if you are comfortable with them, you are comfortable with yourself because they also chose to be friends with you, remember that. This is because even for me, I find it odd when I check myself and realise the unlikeliness of my friendships and how they willingly choose to be my friend, have me as their friend and actually want to be in my company or want me to be in theirs.

Friendship
noun

1. the state of being afriend; association as friends:

to value a person’s friendship.
2. a friendly relation or intimacy.
3. friendly feeling or disposition.
Dictionary.com
Friendship should have an unspecified amount of intimacy, no matter what gender, should be personal and most definitely have value, no matter how fleeting or everlasting it is. It can help you try and walk in someone else’s shoes, see a different side or set of values, understand the lives of others and develop your personal intellect from another person or set of people.
All friendships matter in helping the creation of you.
Thank you for reading.
Other Image: Quotefancy

Feature URL: http://www.wallpaperswala.com/wp-content/gallery/best-friends/best-friends-pics.jpg